Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Cry For Help

My eyes are swollen, I cannot see,

I must be stupid, I must be bad,

What else could have made My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better, I wish I weren’t ugly,

Then maybe my mommy would still want to hug me.

I can’t do a wrong, I can’t speak at all, 

Or else I’m locked up, All day long.

When I’m awake I’m all alone

The house is dark, My folks aren’t home

When my mommy does come home, I’ll try and be nice

So maybe I’ll just get one whipping tonight.

I just heard a car, My daddy is back from Charlies bar

I hear him curse, my name is called, I press myself against the wall

I try to hide from his evil eyes, I’m so afraid now, I’m starting to cry

He finds me weeping, calls me ugly words

He says its my fault, He suffers at work

He slaps and hits me and yells at me more.

I finally get free and run to the door

He’s already locked it and I start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me against the hard wall

I fall to the floor with my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues with more bad words spoken,

‘I’m sorry!’, I scream But its now much to late

His face has been twisted into a unimaginable shape

The hurt and the pain again and again

O please God, have mercy! O please let it end!

And he finally stops and heads for the door

While I lay there motionless sprawled on the floor

My name is Chris, I am three, Tonight my daddy murdered me

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Doing It On Your Own

I was sitting here today, thinking back of when I was a little girl. Well, I was about 17 actually. And I was sitting at the dinning room table across from my mom. 

The occasion was that my mom had my dad thrown in jail the night before. And she would be leaving soon to go pick him up.

I asked my mom why she always did that. Have him removed just to go pick him up and bail him out the next day.  None of her answers stuck with me until this time. She replied that she could not make it on her own without him. Something was said about giving up all the good opportunities to be there and work with my dad in the same business. And that was what she was left with. And now she could not make it without him.

I remember explaining how I was willing to help out. At that time, I was still going to school but I was also working at the corner doughnut shop. And I would help out.  Of course, like everything else, it was just pushed aside and she went along and bailed him out and life went on just as it always did. 

I had forgotten about that instance until today. And I can say that was probably a life changing moment for me and yet, I did not even know it. I did not know it until right now. 

I think maybe that's why I am so set in doing things on my own. To prove that you DON'T need anyone else to make it... Or to get by...That you DON'T need to settle. 

Realizing this little bit of info about myself does a couple different things. I know that I am  a confident person and I rely on myself and no man. But I am also stubborn. Purposely trying to do things on my own. And that is what I need to watch out for. 

I am nothing like my mom. But I developed that core value of NOT relying or depending on a man at a very young age. And here it is almost 25 years later and I am still trying to prove it. I did not know where that thought or value came from until today. What a "Wow" moment.  Now to see what I can do to ease up on myself a little.  :)