Thursday, March 22, 2007

What's Next ?

I ask myself that question so often, (what's next) ? Life is one hurdle after another. I feel like I am missing something. I know I have to be here for another reason that I am not seeing. I really have this drive in me to become more than I already am. To help people. To make a difference with other people and my children as well. I used to be so focused. Nothing could distract me. Nothing wrong could happen to me. I was invincible. This was years ago, though. Back then it was just me and my son. And I was a stay at home mom, working a different business and all was right in my life. At least that's how I appeared to everyone on the outside. There is something about having your first child. Being a mom for the first time. My son was planned. And I loved being pregnant. I remember pushing my stomach out even further than it was.... LOL ...I got into the routine of drinking a glass of orange juice every morning, sitting down, and rubbing my stomach, just to make (junior) kick. Then I would sing to him... OMG, how I should never have done that to My son came by cesarean . Boy did that take awhile to re coop from. His dad was the first to hold him. I still remember feeling left out, like I did all the work and he got to be the first to hold this tiny new life that has been growing inside of me. I remember even thinking that they always show the mother holding the baby first, and then thinking, why wasn't I ? But once I held him for the first time, it was truly, love at first sight. I NEVER know you could fall in love with your own child. But I did.

I remember video taping him for hours at a time. I still have the tapes and look them over. He would just be sleeping and I would stand over him with this big video camera, taping him as he was sleeping. Feeling so happy inside with every breath he took. The light of the camera would kick on and he would then wake up and act a little fussy, seeing me and some large equipment right in front of him, hovering over him, with me making these silly, happy faces at him. LOL. Ohh boy, the nightmares he would have....

And that's pretty much how it was up until he was 6. We were inseparable. He was my bud. I even called the radio station and dedicated a song to my son and taped it for him. When he is older, maybe married, he will get that tape along with many other things I have done for him.
The name of the song was Sammy Kershaw's, You are the love of my life.

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