Sunday, October 26, 2008

My Defining Moment

I'm sure we have all had that ( One Moment ) that we made a decision on something and here it is years later, and the outcome that we were hoping for, is not what had happened.

I was just with a couple friends the other night and we were talking about how our lives used to be and growing and choices and where we are at today.

For me, the biggest turning point that affected me was when I was pregnant with my son.
At that time I had a great job (did not realize it then, though) and it was my first pregnancy. I loved it. I remember even pushing my stomach out further than it was, just to make sure everyone knew I was pregnant.... LOL. Not that they could miss it. It was a planned pregnancy. I was excited and could not wait. I, for the first time found THE man that I would have my child with. I was 29 when I had my son. And up until I met him, I did not desire having children with anyone. It just was not right.

Every morning, on the way to work, I would rub my stomach and talk to him. I immediately felt connected. And when I held him for the first time, I fell in love. It's amazing how you can fall in love with your partner and think that's as good as it gets...... Until you have a child. I fell in love with my son. A deep, unconditional love that I had never felt (even with his father). There were no strings..... No conditions. I would love my son no matter what!

I did not expect that I would feel his way, but I did. I could NOT leave him. Maybe it was the "first time mom" syndrome.... I don't know. But I just could not leave him.

I was receiving maternity pay while I was off. And my 6 weeks were up for maternity. The company I worked for gave me an additional 6 weeks off to make up my mind and come back to work for them. I had been there 10 years until I had my son. While I was pregnant, I did plan on going back to work. I just had no idea how I would really feel once he was in my arms.

My Defining Moment

I told the company that I could not come back... At least at this point. I did not know that I would feel this way for my child. I could not leave him and did not want to leave him. So I said "No".

From that moment on, that "Choice" I made, affected my life tremendously. I would have been at that company for 30 years when I turned 49. I'm 40 now. From that moment that I made that choice, my life has completely changed.

Just as I had no idea how I would feel once my son was really here...... Is the same as my not knowing how my life would turn out years later.....I guess I was just in the moment and not looking ahead.... Like now, I can look back and see.

Sure, now I wish I had stayed with the company. But on the other hand, I also believe I gave my son his best first four years since I was able to be at home with him and not place him in daycare. And I know both sides of this since my daughter did go to daycare after I had her. I see the difference. And I am a firm believer that if a MOM can be at home with her child, she should be.

I wonder how my life would be different if I had just gone straight back to work after having my son. Where would I be? How would things be differently? The outcome is very much different than I had anticipated. I am definitely not where I ever thought I would be at this point in my life. But I am.

I'm glad that I was there for my son and that he did not have to go to daycare. That probably explains why we are sooo close to this day. We formed that bond right from day one. However, is it wrong to wonder what my life would have been like had I made a different decision?

As I was sitting around with friends that have known me for 15 years plus....We all have made choices that were for that moment... Not looking in the future....And felt best at that time. Some choices were for the best and some were what we now call "hurdles" and are still trying to get over.

Think carefully about the decisions you make. You really do need to think ahead..... Not just in the moment.

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